ME AGAIN
I’m writing because I thought it would be nice to have more humans to talk to. I want to know about you, like what’s your favorite food? How good can you smell? Have you ever been to a shelter? My favorite food is steak, rare, with a bone. I can smell better than you. I lived in a shelter for a long time, and it’s not fun. What is fun is going to the beach where waves don’t scare me, having my tummy rubbed, and hiding so no one can find me. What’s not fun is too short walks, going to the vet who has cold hands and hairs coming out of his nose, when my human gets mad and yells even if it’s not at me, and humans who don’t write back when I write to them. I know you guys are busy but I’m not. How would you like it if the only things you got to do were eating, going on walks, and watching TV? My favorite show is Mister Ed on Roku. If a horse can talk, why not a dog? My human used to keep my talking a secret, but it’s different since he wrote that book, Hounded. Now, he talks about my talking all the time. He takes good care of me, too, but he can get a little predictable. That’s a new word I learned. Also, the words nuisance, insane, and insomnia. I love words. I feel bad that other dogs can’t use them.
Think about writing to me. You can tell your friends that you correspond (new word) with a dog who talks and types. Do they do that? If they don’t believe it, maybe you can make them write me. I can help with problems. There was a bad boy who used to throw eggs at our house. I barked at him through the window, but he just laughed at me and kept throwing. I told my human to open the front door, and I ran faster than any human ever could. I chased down the bad boy and ripped off his pants and underpants with my teeth. He doesn’t come around anymore. Problem solved.
Please be my pen pal. I need more humans in my life almost as much as I need new smells.
Darth out. You in.