INTERVIEW WITH DOG
Seated on a chair across from the host is Darth, a 20-pound Teri-Poo with Rasta-like hair and a slight underbite. Roman notices that the dog’s applause dwarfs his own. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Darth.”
“Same,” says Darth.
Roman takes from his jacket pocket a dog treat and holds it out for Darth. When Darth goes for it, Roman lifts the treat up beyond his reach. “Say please.” Disgruntled, Darth slumps back in the chair on which Roman places the treat, between the dog’s paws. Darth picks it up in his mouth and spits it out. Roman scolds, “That wasn’t very nice. Is that the way you behave at home?”
“I don’t get teased at home.”
“A little sensitive, are we?”
“Dogs have feelings, too.”
“I can’t believe I’m chatting it up with a mutt. Alright, let’s talk about this talking thing. How is it that you talk?”
“How is it that you talk?”
“I’m a human being.”
“That’s nothing to brag about.”
“I wasn’t bragging, I was just stating a fact.”
“You had tuna fish for lunch.”
“Yes, how did you know that?”
“You smell.”
“Darth, we were so delighted to have you on the show, but you don’t seem too happy to be here. May I ask why you’re even doing this interview?”
“I have a message for the American People.”
“Oh, really, and what is that?”
“Donald Trump hates dogs!”
“And how do you know that?”
“I heard it. Everybody’s saying it. He hates anyone who’s brown or black or red or yellow. I have at least two of those colors on me. Did you know there are 90 million dogs in this country? If all those parents knew that Trump hates their children… “
“This isn’t a political show.”
“It’s a freak show.”
“I’ll have you know I’ve won two Peabodys.”
“There’s only one Peabody, the great Mr. Peabody, a dog who’s made more people happy than you ever will and he owns his own boy. Now that’s what I call a role model.”
“He isn’t even real.”
“You’re entitled to your own opinion.”
“It’s a fact. Your role model is nothing more than a brain-dead cartoon character.”
“Just like Trump.”
“Enough with Trump. You can’t even vote and it’s a fact. Mr. Peabody is about as real as you being able to talk.”
Darth growls and snarls, he raises up on his hind legs and starts barking at Roman. He jumps down from his chair and makes a beeline for the talk show host, who scrambles up on his ergonomic chair, and dances on it while Darth nips at his ankles. Roman looks to his staff, who are paralyzed. As Darth continues to toy with his prey, the wildly cheering studio audience takes us to commercial.